Let’s get one thing straight: cheese is not just food. It’s a lifestyle. It is why I’ve spent more money at the cheese counter than on my last vacation. It’s the reason I’ve had to explain to my doctor why my cholesterol levels look like a phone number. And it’s why I’ve had to apologise to my yoga mat for skipping class to eat brie in bed. This is my love letter to cheese—it’s my soulmate, my muse, and occasionally, my downfall.
But here’s the thing: not all cheeses are created equal. Sure, you can slap a slice of American cheese on a burger and call it a day, but if you’re doing that, we need to talk. Choosing the right cheese is an art form, a delicate dance of flavour, texture, and occasion. And trust me, I’ve made every mistake in the book. I once served a $30 wedge of artisanal blue cheese at a party, only to watch my guests use it as a doorstop. Lesson learned: Not everyone appreciates a cheese that smells like a barnyard.
So, let’s dive into the wonderful, wacky world of cheese, and I’ll share some hard-earned wisdom (and a few embarrassing stories) along the way.
The Cheese Spectrum: From Mild to Wild
Cheese is like people: some are mild-mannered and easygoing, while others are bold, brash, and might punch you in the face with flavour. Here’s a quick breakdown of the cheese personality types:
Hard Cheeses (The Overachievers):
These are the cheeses that have been aged to perfection, like Parmesan, Pecorino Romano, and aged Gouda. They’re the kind of cheeses that show up to the party with a six-pack and a spreadsheet. They’re great for grating over pasta or risotto, but don’t expect them to mingle much—they’re too busy being perfect.
Soft Cheeses (The Life of the Party):
Brie, Camembert, and Burrata are the extroverts of the cheese world. They’re creamy, decadent, and always ready to schmooze. Spread them on a baguette, pair them with some fruit, and watch them work the room. Just don’t leave them out too long—they’ll start to sweat, and nobody wants that.
Semi-Soft Cheeses (The Reliable Friends):
Havarti, Monterey Jack, and Fontina are the cheeses you can count on. They’re not too flashy, but they’re always there when you need them, melting beautifully in grilled sandwiches or casseroles. They’re the cheese equivalent of that friend who always has a spare charger.
Blue Cheeses (The Drama Queens):
Gorgonzola, Roquefort, and Stilton are the divas of the dairy aisle. They’re bold, tangy, and unapologetically themselves. They’ll either make your salad sing or make your guests gag—there’s no in-between. Proceed with caution.
Cheese for Every Occasion (or Every Mistake)
Let’s talk about pairing cheese with dishes because this is where things can go very right or very, very wrong.
Pizza:
Mozzarella is the undisputed king of pizza cheese, and if you disagree, we can’t be friends. It’s mild, melty, and has that perfect stretch factor. But if you’re feeling fancy, throw in some goat cheese or ricotta. Just don’t overdo it—nobody wants a pizza that’s 90% cheese and 10% regret.
Pasta:
For creamy pasta dishes, Parmesan and Pecorino Romano are your go-to’s. They’re like the salt and pepper of the cheese world—essential, but not overwhelming. And if you’re making mac and cheese, mix sharp cheddar with Gruyère for a sauce so good, you’ll want to bathe in it. (Don’t. Just don’t.)
Sandwiches:
Grilled cheese is a sacred institution, and the cheese you choose matters. American cheese is classic, but if you’re feeling adventurous, try cheddar or Havarti. And for cold sandwiches, Swiss and provolone are your best bets. Just please, for the love of all that is holy, don’t put blue cheese on a turkey sandwich. I made that mistake once, and I’m still recovering.
Salads:
Cheese can elevate a salad from sad desk lunch to gourmet masterpiece. Feta and goat cheese add a tangy kick, while blue cheese brings the drama. And if you’re feeling fancy, shave some Parmesan on top. Just don’t overdo it—nobody wants a salad that’s 90% cheese and 10% regret. (Wait, that sounds familiar.)
The Cheese Platter: A Test of Character
Creating a cheese platter is like hosting a dinner party: it’s all about balance, variety, and knowing when to cut someone off. Here’s how to do it right:
- Mix and Match: Include a variety of textures and flavors. Pair sharp cheddar with creamy brie, and throw in some blue cheese for good measure.
- Add Some Crunch: Nuts and crackers are the cheese platter’s equivalent of a wingman—they’re there to support, not steal the show.
- Sweeten the Deal: Fresh fruit, dried apricots, and honey and maple syrup are the perfect counterpoint to salty, tangy cheeses.
Want bonus points? Add wine or beer pairings. Brie loves a glass of champagne. Cheddar? A bold IPA. And if you’re feeling wild, yes—some cheeses even pair beautifully with tea. (I know. I wasn’t ready either.)
And remember, presentation matters. A cheese platter should look like a work of art, not a crime scene. (Yes, I’m talking to you, person who just dumped a block of cheddar on a plate and called it a day.)
Storage, Rinds & Regret
Quick PSA: cheese deserves proper storage. Wrap soft cheeses in wax paper, not cling film. And for the love of goats, don’t store it next to your open kimchi jar unless you want dairy with a side of fermentation funk.
As for rinds—some are edible (like those on Brie or Camembert), some are best avoided (looking at you, wax-coated Gouda), and some are meant to be revered (Parmigiano rinds, I see you simmering in that soup).
Plant-Based Cheeses & Global Greats
Lactose-intolerant? Vegan? You’re not left out. There’s a whole new world of plant-based cheeses trying to be the next cashew camambert or almond feta. Some are great. Some taste like regret. We’ll explore that in a future article—after I stop sulking about the price tag.
And while we’re talking global: cheese isn’t just a French or Italian affair. Think Indian paneer, Middle Eastern labneh, Mexican queso fresco, or the squeaky glory of Cypriot halloumi. Every culture has its own way of turning milk (or nuts!) into magic.
Cheese Mishaps: A Cautionary Tale
Let me leave you with this: cheese is a journey, not a destination. You will make mistakes and will buy a $40 wedge of artisanal cheese that tastes like feet. You will accidentally melt brie in the microwave and create a gooey, unidentifiable blob. But that’s okay. Cheese is about experimentation, discovery, and, occasionally, eating an entire wheel of camembert in one sitting.
So go forth, dear reader, and embrace the cheesy goodness. Just remember to invite me over when you do. I’ll bring the crackers.
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